What is that in the sky?! Look there! A dun colored streak! A living rocket, swooping from the heavens! It draws closer! Could it be? Could it be the legends, foretold by our ancestors across time immemorial, are true? The great bird arrives! The Falcon of Unsubstantiated Rumors and Reports is here!

He perches on my fist. His claws are cold and he weighs more than I expect. His gaze is piercing. Atop his lightly feathered head is a small, jet-black broomball helmet. He ruffles his wings to settle in.

I’m not sure what to say.

“Um, hello. I’ve heard about you. Supposedly, you are a font of questionable information about the sport of broomball. Is that why you’re here?”

The FOURAR nods.

“Well, great. I’m about the only guy left in the game who still likes to write things down, so I guess you’ve come to the right place. What say you, bird?”

The FOURAR clears his throat, and then, quite nimbly, removes his helmet and produces from it a small pipe and a leather pouch of tobacco. He takes a moment to prepare his items, and with a grandiloquent flourish lights the pipe by breathing fire from his beak in the manner of a dragon. He places the pipe in his mouth, and begins to speak.

“I have much to share, so write quickly. I won’t be slowing down for you to catch up. And remember, I am the Falcon of Unsubstantiated Rumors and Reports, so anything I say is to be taken with many, many grains of salt.

First off, The IFBA World Broomball Championships pretty generally stunk. Most players I spoke to felt that way. Kingston wasn’t a bad town, the rink wasn’t a bad facility. But, the event lacked many of the basics players have come to expect at their local or regional tournaments, and it was completely devoid of the grandeur expected in a world tournament. The live-streaming options were terrible. The ice conditions were inconsistent. The opening ceremonies and closing banquet were an organizational nightmare. On top of all that the organizers changed the rules the eve of the tournament, eliminating overtime in favor of an immediate shootout. That decision alone betrayed a lack of planning, foresight and general competence from the IFBA. Worlds should be the crown jewel of broomball, and instead it felt like a backwater tournament organized at the last minute. I hope the French organizers understand that Worlds 2024 is not just a tournament, it is an opportunity to grow the game, market the sport and bring together a global community.”

Well, this got spicy quickly, I think. The FOURAR continues.

“However, one thing that a Canadian-hosted Worlds always does well is showcase the depth of Canadian talent. The very best Americans might be the best players in the world, but there are just so many more excellent Canadians. This little falcon tips my cap to all of the players who came from around the world and made the most of a tough week. Hearty congratulations to the winners… Onward! And do keep up!”

I remind the FOURAR that I’m writing with my right hand as quickly as possible, while holding a mid-sized raptor in my left hand. He waves a dismissive wing at me and continues.

“The Augsburg Broomball League continues to be the best league in the United States. MetX ripped through the regular season and won a competitive final against Sticks & Stones. Following that performance, they won the Internationals at Augsburg a couple of weeks later. But then, they laid a turd against a scrappy C&L Excavating Team at the MN State Tournament. So, are they the favorite heading into Nationals or not?”

I interject that I actually play for MetX, and we’d probably consider ourselves in with a chance, but certainly not the heavy favorites.

“No one cares what you think,” the FOURAR responds, a tiny puff of smoke rising from his pipe. “My question was rhetorical. No more interruptions!”

“Let’s see, for Nationals I like the Indy Invaders in Mens C, the Ohio Bombers in B, beating the Barries Legends in a tight final. The parity in A makes it too close to call, especially since Kelly Lake is choosing not to defend their title. Rumor has it the KL boys couldn’t make the National tournament because they’re scared of driving too far away from a Zantigo Restaurant. Those fellas love their tacos. Great to see the Blizzard, who are getting better every tournament, and Watkins Legion make the trip to Indiana. Should be a good time.

On the womens’ side I’ve got The Wicked Sisters winning B, and Arctic Blast winning A. Though the A final might be up for grabs. Arctic Blast looked a tiny bit mortal at the Internationals and lost the MN State Championship to L’Equipe, who got great defense from their back line and tremendous goaltending from Kim Hanlon.

Quick sidebar, can we work to make sure the Internationals is actually, you know, international next year? Lets get some Canadian bruisers down from the hinterlands to spice up that always awesome tournament.

Co-rec Nationals is always hard to predict, since rosters change radically from year to year. On a lark, I’ll take Turbulence in B and Squall in A. Squall looked unstoppable at the MN State Tournament.”

The FOURAR puffs his pipe in silence for a moment. I begin to wonder if he’s done with his report. I clear my throat.

“No, I’m not finished,” he says. “I’m giving your writing hand a rest. It has turned a disturbing shade of purple.”

I shake my hand out and flex my fingers. For the first time, I notice how fatigued my left arm is from holding the FOURAR for this long. I tell him that I’m ready to continue.

“Curved sticks. Quite a controversy earlier this year around what is legal and what is not. For now, anything goes. There’s talk of reviewing that policy in the American game after Nationals. Most players seem to think that there are both advantages and disadvantages to playing with an ultra-curved broom. My prediction is that Blue Ox and other manufacturers will jump on the ultra-curved broom bandwagon and they’ll be legal moving forward. Count this little bird as part of the Free the Curve movement. Anything that speeds the game up is a positive as far as I’m concerned.

A final few thoughts… The inaugural Florida tournament got very positive reviews. My guess is next year they’ll be scrambling to accommodate all of the interested teams. What’s happening in Florida is great for the game.

There’s quiet talk of a European tournament being held in Switzerland later this year. Evidently they’ve had problems securing the venue. Here’s hoping that it happens and that a couple of North American teams make the journey to compete. This concludes my report.”

The FOURAR removes his pipe from his beak, pours the hot ash onto the ground and tucks it into his helmet. Then he turns to address me.

“You’ve gotten all that?”

I tell him that I have.

“Good. Make it known far and wide. I know not when I’ll be flying back this way, so this may have to last the community awhile.”

I assure him that this report gives people plenty to talk about. He nods, seemingly pleased to hear this. He ruffles his tail feathers, and then, in an instant, is away. He disappears into the clouds before I even have a chance to say goodbye.